Happy happy sunstroke
high on sunlight brain explodes
Happy happy drunk poet
I’ll be famous when you’re all dead!!!!!!
my sweet head.)
-Liquid Moments Pt. 1 from Blood, Booze and Other Things in Nature (Buy it now!)
So, I have mood swings.
Mood cycles, more accurately, which I experience as altered states. There are extreme highs and bitter lows, changes in energy level, cognitive function, lucidity and irritability, which, though often helpful to my creativity, are also detrimental to my enjoyment of and participation with life.
I crave consistency. Steady income, permanent address, a relationship I know will last. Perhaps I strive for such an even keel because I lack one internally. I am learning to ride my waves, but that doesn’t make them less exhausting.
I’ve had mental health struggles for most of my life. As early as six I was plagued with extreme anxiety and bouts of insomnia. At thirteen I was compulsively self-harming, struggling with an eating disorder, and tried to end my life, resulting in psychiatric hospitalization.
Currently, the closest I have to a diagnosis is an assessment of probable Bipolar-2 with C-PTSD and BPD tendencies. (Quite a mouthful of alphabet soup.) It would take years working with a psychiatrist to be properly diagnosed. For now, I have to cope.
Art is my antidote.
Jonathan Larson once said something like,
“It’s not that I don’t share my emotions. I just tell them through songs.”
My internal world often feels too intense to share with a family member, partner, or friend one-on-one.
Within Art, I feel safe to be myself.
Everywhere else, I turn my volume low.
Nobody wants a roller coaster in their living room.
I did my best to compress my moods in a 30-second reel. You could almost call it a book trailer for Blood, Booze, and Other Things in Nature, which explores highs, lows, sexual misadventures, drunken escapades, and above all, my determination to act better than what I feel.
Doctors used to tell me, “Make it to twenty-one, and you’ll be okay.”
I’m almost thirty.
It hasn’t gone away.
And I’m done hoping that it will.
I will not let it stop me from doing all I’m meant to do. I truly believe our curses can become superpowers, and if you’re struggling too, please know that I believe in you.
There’s a reason we’re still here.
Maybe I can’t get off this roller coaster. Maybe the peaks and valleys will never level out. Whether they do or not, I am already coping so much better than I ever thought I could. And, if you think about it, I bet you are too.
It’ll safe your life.
PS Buy Blood, Booze, and Other Things in Nature here.